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I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep. - Be my hope, I'll be your hope.

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February 25th, 2007

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01:16 pm - I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep.

There was this book I read and loved,
The story of a ship
Who sailed around the world and found
That nothing else exists
Beyond his own two sails
And wooden shell
And what is held within.

For a long time now I have felt lost because I am no longer acting like the "happy" girl I used to be.  I've been searching for her behind every blind spot, inside of each new person I meet... but she is no where to be found because she no longer exists. I felt down on myself for days ontop of months, thinking where have I gone, who has taken my place. My body is just a shell. An empty shell. What once filled it has been sucked out. Each thing that had pained me sucked the life right out of me, until I was left with a mere shell. What do you do when you have but a shell? I can sulk and feel down on myself. I can wish and hope and pray to get back to the girl I used to be, holding onto a mere memory that will truly never come back and be true once again. OR. I can embrace it. Look at my emptiness as a way to fill myself up again. To let the new people and new experiences of the present fill me up and let me grow into my shell, become me, the girl who I have always been looking for. I thought I found her, but she was never really there at all.

This is not a person lost.
This is a person growing up.

I always did love the ocean. I found comfort in it, I felt like we were kindred spirits. I would stand at the shores of the mini oceans before the real ocean started. Those 5 foot puddles that are filled with snails. Creatures who have been tricked into thinking that this shallow area is their actual home. I pick one of these snails up by it's shell. This is when I realize, sea creatures out grow their shells, and humans are left walking along the beach, scrolling the shores for these beautiful shells that were once literally a home to someone. My shell is my home too. But these creatures, they outgrow their shells and they go in search of a new home to call their own. My shell remains but I search for it's inhabitant. This is a journey worth taking, and I will be the person I want to be when I reach my destination.

Maybe this is growing up.

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